Sometimes we are strong enough to live in the present. Sometimes we allow the fear of the unknown to take over.
When I thought of a mother dying and leaving a husband and children behind, I would wonder what-ifs... a car accident? Then after having 1 c-section, I worried about the 2nd one... a local mother of 6 children died during that 6th baby's section. Then I found out I had cancer. This cancer is usually not terminal. There are complications related to any surgery, any condition.
I don't want to leave my children.
A part of me wonders if that need to be with them has added to the motivation to homeschool. Discovering Stephen was at school all day with a concussion last April just hurt my heart. I want to make them feel better, all the time, day and night. How can I turn them over to people I don't know? To entrust those people with their education, social and mental well-being? Right now, I can't anymore.
The bond I have with them is something I can't explain, something I never expected. When they are healthy and happy - I feel like a millionaire, like all my dreams have come true. Though they don't always appreciate my rules and advice, they do love me, and they express it often. They come to me with problems and when they don't feel well. They know I will do my best to make it better.
Sometimes my fears of the future consume me. Like now. What if I'm not here one year from now? I can feel the burden placed on poor Matthew. The children will NEED to be cared for by someone else while he works to provide for them. I will feel like it's my fault.
In case I go... I will put things I want my children to know right here.
I LOVE YOU!!! I always have, I always will. Love is an action word, not just a feeling. God will not leave you alone, I will do anything I can beyond this life to comfort you and continue to show my love for you.
Be happy! Smell the flowers, dance to the music, sing in a traffic jam. Learn things because knowledge is power, and power will bless you and those around you.
Treat others as if they are just having a bad day. If you say something mean as a quick response, you will regret it. Just love others and treat them with respect - whether you think they deserve it or not.
LIVE your beliefs. You cannot turn it on and off, you shouldn't behave differently around different people. Learn who you are and what makes you happy, let those good parts of you seep all the way through and spread to those around you. The bad doesn't need to stay - you can always improve. Be at peace with who you are and do your best, not comparing yourself to others.
Be healthy! Don't put anything into your body because it's fun or convenient. Let the nourishment of your body be the motivation to consume any food or drink. I do strongly feel that the increases in disease and cancer could be corrected with a better diet. All good things in moderation. I will try to show that example for the rest of my life. I have some habits to break, it's not too late.
It is possible to be happy while being productive! You don't have to love the jobs or careers you have. Just surround yourself with positive people, be involved in good causes and have a happy attitude no matter what. Who we are with affects our happiness more than the career we choose.
Be financially responsible. Sometimes we are tricked to believe buying something to indulge or celebrate is worth a litttle debt... well that grows and becomes a prison. Spend only the money you HAVE, and save what you don't need right away.
Last of all... know that I'm sorry. I'm an imperfect person. I made many mistakes. I hope the good times overwhelm the bad moments. You are amazing children, I'm so proud of you. I am blessed to be your mom. HOW DID I GET THIS HONOR? I'll never know.
I hope I'm 90 years old, reading back on this, laughing at how dramatic I was bawling that day while I wrote this post. I will hope and pray for the best. But sometimes words need to be said while we have the chance. Thank you for enriching my life! Thank you for being the little heroes you are!
