You were a great kid before you made this mistake, you will still be great after.

On super short notice, I decided to take my gaggle to a kid's activity place (it's called a museum, but totally isn't)... I was scoping out the place to see if nursing Erica could bother anyone (there were men in the kiddie area and no women, it was odd). I saw the profile of an older gentleman who resembled an elementary teacher of mine. "Mr. Thomas?" I called out...And it was! He scoot closer and we reminisced. I said my maiden name and my siblings to draw up his memory. I introduced him to the 6 kiddos, he introduced me to his grandson.

Let me tell you, as a child, I gave teachers a run for their money, I was difficult. I got kicked out of class several times. Mr. Thomas put my whole desk out in the hallway! I remember talking with friends, probably being louder than I realized at the time... So sitting here as a 30 year old mom, I apologized to him for being such a bad student. He responded, "bad?! My 'bad' students ended up in jail! They were mean! If you were just talking, that's not bad."

I informed him I must have liked him as a teacher because that was the year my mom kept me home with a fever one day and I snuck out and ran to school. He laughed and I could tell he appreciated it. At the end of it all, we hugged and he said "thanks for calling me over!"

Driving home... I was running it all through in my mind...remembering the feelings I had as a kid. Mr. Thomas is a nice man and a nice teacher, I'm sure he meant well... but I really believed he thought I was a bad kid. I remember being so alone in the hallway, being so humiliated as other classes of kids filed by, staring at me. I felt horrible! This is why I want this to be seared into my mind... I need to think of my children's feelings when I'm serving out a punishment/consequence/reprimand.

We DO need to give our children negative consequences for negative actions, but we cannot prioritize fulfilling that need over their value as a person. I truly felt like a horrible person, even looking back, I thought I must have been a terrible kid to be kicked out. Apparently, I wasn't a terrible little kid. I wish I could go back and give that girl in the hallway 60 seconds of my time, give her a hug and remind her she is feeling the result of her actions, not who she is as a person. I would tell her to write her stories down and save them for recess! :P

I will never be a perfect mom, I will have regrets about specific oops moments... but I truly believe it's possible to have NO regrets in just accepting I have done my best. Now one more thing to add to the list is telling my children, "you were a great kid before you ended up here (timeout!), and you will still be a great kid after. We all make mistakes, just keep trying to be your best!"

Our Family is complete!

Wow, my facebook has so many purposes now... I think I want to dive back into blogging a little. This is our family blog and I hope the kids will come back and read it some time :)

What's in a name?
We've had a battle for naming baby number 6. Matthew wanted Hannah so badly and hardly considered anything else. I felt Hannah was a big NO for this girl... that name just seems so calm and gentle... it didn't fit her! She was growing in a war-torn uterus, endured my surgery like a little rock star and just said "STRONG" to me... She is coming in as number six, when we've started homeschooling and I'm overcoming health issues and such. So Matthew and I narrowed down names we both liked on a list and Danica stuck for about a month. A few weeks before she was born, it wasn't settling with me as names did for our other five children. They were all named way earlier in pregnancy and I loved it that way.

I was in labor and demanding that Matthew and I settled on THE name. He mentioned Erica. He seemed to like it, so did I. He looked up the meaning, the Norse translation: Forever Strong. YES, that's it! We didn't say it 100% for sure until she was born, but we love it and it fits her.

Patrick holds her as our extra pair of hands, which is GREAT! She is very trusting of him and Stephen holding her, and calms right down. I love those boys for dropping what they are doing to help with her. William loves her so much and often says out of the blue, "Mommy, I love Erica." awww! Sariah loves her too, and loves to hold her. Julia had NO desire to hold her or anything for about a week, once she held her, she was smitten too. She wanted to pat her head, kiss her and hold her every day ever since :)

She was born January 5, 2015. 5 pounds, 12 ounces, breathing amazingly well... had an unnecessary 5 day stay in the NICU, but we won't get into that! We are blessed and happy to have her and also very happy to say we're DONE. haha

I'll add pics later of course!

Imagining the worst, praying for the best.

Sometimes we are strong enough to live in the present. Sometimes we allow the fear of the unknown to take over.

When I thought of a mother dying and leaving a husband and children behind, I would wonder what-ifs... a car accident? Then after having 1 c-section, I worried about the 2nd one... a local mother of 6 children died during that 6th baby's section. Then I found out I had cancer. This cancer is usually not terminal. There are complications related to any surgery, any condition.

I don't want to leave my children.

A part of me wonders if that need to be with them has added to the motivation to homeschool. Discovering Stephen was at school all day with a concussion last April just hurt my heart. I want to make them feel better, all the time, day and night. How can I turn them over to people I don't know? To entrust those people with their education, social and mental well-being? Right now, I can't anymore.

The bond I have with them is something I can't explain, something I never expected. When they are healthy and happy - I feel like a millionaire, like all my dreams have come true. Though they don't always appreciate my rules and advice, they do love me, and they express it often. They come to me with problems and when they don't feel well. They know I will do my best to make it better.

Sometimes my fears of the future consume me. Like now. What if I'm not here one year from now? I can feel the burden placed on poor Matthew. The children will NEED to be cared for by someone else while he works to provide for them. I will feel like it's my fault.

In case I go... I will put things I want my children to know right here.

I LOVE YOU!!! I always have, I always will. Love is an action word, not just a feeling. God will not leave you alone, I will do anything I can beyond this life to comfort you and continue to show my love for you.

Be happy! Smell the flowers, dance to the music, sing in a traffic jam. Learn things because knowledge is power, and power will bless you and those around you.

Treat others as if they are just having a bad day. If you say something mean as a quick response, you will regret it. Just love others and treat them with respect - whether you think they deserve it or not.

LIVE your beliefs. You cannot turn it on and off, you shouldn't behave differently around different people. Learn who you are and what makes you happy, let those good parts of you seep all the way through and spread to those around you. The bad doesn't need to stay - you can always improve. Be at peace with who you are and do your best, not comparing yourself to others.

Be healthy! Don't put anything into your body because it's fun or convenient. Let the nourishment of your body be the motivation to consume any food or drink. I do strongly feel that the increases in disease and cancer could be corrected with a better diet. All good things in moderation. I will try to show that example for the rest of my life. I have some habits to break, it's not too late.

It is possible to be happy while being productive! You don't have to love the jobs or careers you have. Just surround yourself with positive people, be involved in good causes and have a happy attitude no matter what. Who we are with affects our happiness more than the career we choose.

Be financially responsible. Sometimes we are tricked to believe buying something to indulge or celebrate is worth a litttle debt... well that grows and becomes a prison. Spend only the money you HAVE, and save what you don't need right away.

Last of all... know that I'm sorry. I'm an imperfect person. I made many mistakes. I hope the good times overwhelm the bad moments. You are amazing children, I'm so proud of you. I am blessed to be your mom. HOW DID I GET THIS HONOR? I'll never know.

I hope I'm 90 years old, reading back on this, laughing at how dramatic I was bawling that day while I wrote this post. I will hope and pray for the best. But sometimes words need to be said while we have the chance. Thank you for enriching my life! Thank you for being the little heroes you are!