REINVENTION - deal with it - SUNSHINE

Long post - I have catching up to do! Read it or not, it's cool.

So... I saw "The Vow" with my wonderful Sister-in-Law Lisa...
If you don't know the premise, a couple was together for about 4 years, then they were in an accident and the wife's memory was basically blank when it came to the most recent 5 years. Not only did she have to struggle with letting go of a fiance that was no longer in her life and that she loved and married this stranger - she also had to re-evaluate where she thought she would be... she went from law school to art school, living in the suburbs to the city, having straight hair to wavy. She was not who she expected herself to be.

I think we all have an idea in our head of not only who we are, but who we want to be. I teared up when I realized somthing. Let's say LAST year, the most recent 7 years were erased, as a young adult, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. If I woke up to being a mom of 3 working graveyards and no college degree at the age of 26, I would have been devastated. BUT if today my memory of the last 8 years were erased, and I woke up a stay-at-home mom, I would have been thrilled. Here I am, just itching to do something other than just be a stay-at-home mom. I've changed my hat almost as much as I changed my major in college. I got married younger than I thought I would, worked longer than I thought I would and now I'm fatter and more unsettled than I thought I would be.

When I was younger, I had that kind of time to write down and paint a picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to hold. Working 30-40 hours for my first 8 years of marriage was not ideal or planned. But I grew accustomed to it and a working mom was my identity. The timing of becoming a stay-at-home mom was not planned either. By June, it's been a year and I hope I've grown into these shoes by then.

One pound at a time, I'm going the right direction with weight. One project at a time, I'm getting a little more crafty. One meal at a time, I'm trying to be more inventive. I won't just deal with this situation that was thrust upon me, I want to embrace it and allow it to become my new identity - and be OKAY with it.

DEAL WITH IT
So there's a rise in Americans going against the "norm." More are choosing not to vaccinate, to become vegan/vegetarian/organic-only, home school, birth at home... you get the idea. I have a tremendous amount of respect for people that find their groove in life and stick with it. I don't care what people choose to do because it's their business and they have the agency to do what's best for them. There are a couple documentaries and several individuals I've personally witnessed that go beyond changing their own lifestyle to being harshly judgemental for those that don't. They're free-thinkers and they look down upon those who follow the norms of society. It's okay to have pride in your accomplishments, the problem is when your pride allows you to feel better than other people.

Some of these free-thinkers see women who have c-sections as victims of modern medicine. I can ignore them, they don't know me. Someone who was once a very dear friend of mine fell into this group and I'll admit, my blood boiled. I prayed about the doctor I chose, birthing in a hospital and even sought guidance throughout my labor experience. What gives you the right to know what's best for you, but not me? Nothing. My choices are different than yours, deal with it. And when it came to my specific experience, I KNOW either my daughter or both of us would have died if we didn't have a c-section.

SUNSHINE
Yay, it's been a year now and we're finally going on a vacation!!! I can use one, the kids can use one and I know Matthew sure could use one. We are visiting our loved ones in California. Grandparents Garner and awesome Aunt Suzy!  We are sooo looking forward to a break and I miss the ocean.

Sorry there was some venting and boredom involved with this post - but I had to get it out!  Here's some pictures for entertainment!

3 Men and a little baby :)

The first 2 weeks of having Sariah home have been GREAT! Matthew found a friend or family member to help me every day for 10 days - it was a huge blessing and we are truly grateful! Recovering from a c-section is no picnic. And years down the road when we're crazy enough to do this all again, we're sending the older siblings on vacation for 2 weeks! We love you all and thank you for your prayers and support. :) Enjoy some pictures! These were taken from my phone, so not the greatest quality - we'll get more later.

Just precious!

We love the strawberry bum - and she's so tiny!

The best I could look after just having my insides cut open... but yay, it's over!

FINALLY SNOW! This is the morning I went into labor :) Beautiful, memorable day!

Sariah's Dramatic Entrance

13 days prior to Sariah's due date, I was feeling short of breath off and on around 1pm at church. I thought it's just because I was singing and standing a lot (i am the chorister for the children's class). At 2pm, I was getting short of breath in regular intervals, it was 2 minutes apart! After a couple hours, I told some family (and my jan/feb birth facebook group) I was in labor and my sister in Az decided to drop everything and drive here!

It continued for 8 hours, not really increasing in intensity, which was weird. Even though the original plan was to avoid the hospital until water broke or I was in severe pain, I decided I wanted to head over at midnight to see what the heck was going on.

I was only 1 stinking centimeter! I told the nurse that earlier today baby girl was transverse and now I didn't know if she was head up or down. After using an ultrasound, it was confirmed the little booger was diagonally head up.

I believe they call it an external cephalic version (ECV), when they use their hands to turn the baby into the right spot. Because it's a painful procedure and baby's heart rate could drop dramatically from this process, they require an epidural and to be prepped for Csection. I was also given Procardia in an attempt to stop labor. Now I was devastated and scared. For my previous 3 children, I delivered without an epidural. If I ever chose to get one, I wanted it to be my choice. I hated the way it made me feel. I was bawling my eyes out for the whole epidural procedure. I laughed a little when I thought, how many women get upset because they DON'T want an epidural?

Apparently the dose was too high. My heartrate jumped to 130 while my blood pressure bottomed out at 80/40. I was given a medication for bp and oxygen to help me calm down. The low blood pressure made my head heavy and dizzy, that in combination with the feeling of pins and needles from toes to breasts was awful.

They shaved me, had me in the OR and on the operating table, I was so scared. 3 doctors performed the EVC (with a bunch more watching). It was a success!

My baby girl was head down now and they broke my water, encouraging as much of the fluid as possible to exit so she doesn't have a pool to play in. I requested to let the epidural meds wear off so I could do my thang the rest of the labor. It takes 1-2 hours to wear off.

So about an hour later, I was checked and the head that was supposed to be engaged in the pelvis was gone. :( In his 20 years, the attending had never seen a baby rotate so far with so little water. It was extremely risky to attempt an ECV with so little water, but I really wanted them to try. Three doctors and all efforts later, nothing! In fact, she had her arm and shoulder wedged into my pelvis preventing that space from being occupied by a head. They consulted with the head of the OB department and it was determined now me and baby are at risk for a placental abruption.

They planned a csection around noon. I was in tears, not only did I get forced into my first epidural, now I was having a cesarean section.

I was scared and worried because not only was this the only surgery I have ever endured, but we aren't insured. What was going to cost us $6000 would now be costing over $30,000...

I accepted the reality of being given an epidural right after the first one had just worn off. I also accepted that I was going to experience having a c section.

Thankfully, the dosage was perfect for the 2nd epidural. I was alert and comfortable enough to listen to what was going on while they performed surgery to bring my baby girl into this world.

The maneuvering and tugging during the process of bringing Sariah out felt long-lasting and painful. She was born at 12:16, 6 pounds 10 ounces, 18 1/2 inches long.

After I was sewed back up, thinking all the bad news was over, 2 doctors approached me with matter-of-fact expressions. They explained what happened when Sariah came out. First, the shoulder and arm she had lodged into my pelvis appeared. They do not get babies out by the arms, so they shoved it back in and went for the feet, a good way to get baby out in a c section. They couldn't get access to the feet and now they were starting to worry about Sariah being distressed. They made a 2nd uterine incision, this time vertical. They moved her head forward and finally got her out. The 2nd incision makes it impossible for me to deliver vaginally.

I do intend to have one or two more, so this news is heart breaking. Still, our baby girl is beautiful and healthy. I do believe things happen for a reason.

The next day, my doctor told me more about what happened. She told me there was a circle of tissue on my uterus that did not stretch and thin out like the rest, and that is where Sariah's head was. So it may not be 100% her fault. ;)