On the airplane...and the status of our marriage.

So, we've already been on our trip almost the two complete weeks and I just have to talk about one of the plane rides out here.

Stephen was sick the whole day, so he was passed out in my arms. Patrick was opening and slamming the window cover almost the whole time, meanwhile I was holding an interesting conversation with the young lady seated next to us.

Despite having 8 mini bottles of vodka throughout the flight (4 orders of vodka tonic - 2 bottles with each), I was suprised our friendly passenger had so many questions for me and wanted to talk so much. Though her eyes were getting droopier as the flight went on, she was very interested in the standards of our church. After her 1st drink, she asked me if I drank. I told her I don't, though I did when I was younger. She asked why I stopped and I told her that we have "health standards or guidelines" about what to and not to put into our bodies and alcoholic drinks went against those standards. I also threw in that we don't drink coffee, either, and some people find that odd. Her boyfriend is a "mormon," though he doesn't attend church or follow too many of the other principles. Perhaps that's why she was intrigued.

She still pressed the issue of why we were so strict in our standards, why did I want to stop drinking when I was doing it anyway and what's so important to make people want to follow it. We also talked about relationships and families. Again, she was asking all the questions, I wasn't keen on being a missionary with a child in my lap having a puking time bomb and I expected her to zonk out from her sleepy beverages. Still, in my mind, I appreciated the opportunity to say everything out loud. As an adult, we don't often find ourselves energetic about sharing things we enjoy or trying to get others to try it. In this society, we don't want to be turned down or offend anyone. Those are my fears, I guess.

One point that helped me describe it to her and I will always hold onto is this: families are forever. So many religions are aware of the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit, and I tried telling her that that's how I felt that doing right was important. But, so few people know what's beyond this life and why it matters so much. I don't know if my siblings have felt this way or decided it... but even as a 5 year-old, when my brother passed away after being sick with brain cancer, my parents told me we could be with him again. And I believed it. One night when was 15, I ran away and swore at my Mother on the phone, my Dad sat me down and had plenty of things to say... One of them was, he wanted to be together as a family after this life, and he wanted me there too. But I needed to live my life in a way to make that happen. I told this young lady that knowing my brother was already there, probably made me and my other family members work harder at following our beliefs to make sure we can be with him again.

When we talked about why I chose to marry Matthew over staying "with" another boy I liked, and when we talked about her possibly marrying her current boyfriend, I asked her if she saw our temples. I said we can only get married in the temple if we're worthy, because that provides a different marriage than a marriage made any where else. If you're married in a temple, you're sealed to that person and your children for all eternity, so it's a big deal. Again, though she was to the 7th or 8th bottle by now, she seemed to be taking it in.

When we landed, I asked her name and she asked mine. She smiled big and sleepily said, "Amy? I love that mane." (no typo, that's what she said!)

That discussion with her was difficult, because, as of that moment - I was planning on a divorce. I am quite happy with my life in Utah and our marriage was not worth saving. I even had a visit with my Bishop in Utah who said a divorce was the best option (in so many words)... people know that's rare and it's truly what I wanted to hear. I have my problems and every marriage has it's issues. Without getting too personal, there were things from the past that had been forgiven, but not forgotten... considering Matthew didn't recognize the severity of them nor seemed to care about preventing them in the future. It was an unhealthy marriage.

After a couple counseling sessions, a visit with the Bishop in New York, reading several more talks on marriage and divorce... I had a discussion with Matthew where a miracle I was looking for happened. And that's why Matthew and I will rebuild. To tell you the truth, we have no clue if me and the boys are going back to New York or if he's coming to Utah. We'll let you know when we know. :)

One of the talks I read about couples sticking it through instead of getting a divorce, stated they came out a lot stronger. I have faith that is true and I'm going to do my best to help it happen. I'm SO ready for the sun to set on this VERY, VERY LONG day. Some of you may be puzzled, thrilled or shocked by my choice, but I hope you'll just pray for us and support us in this decision.

Wow, this is the longest post I ever made. I love you all and I thank you for reading :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

This Holiday Season has been extremely strange and hard for me to enjoy. Not due to anybody, but I wanted Patrick to think Christmas was on the 6th of January... I didn't have money or time for presents for the kids, or anyone, for that matter. With unexpected bank & credit card issues, and other expenses, money's still tight, despite working two jobs.

Thanks to the efforts of my loving ward, this past Sunday morning, a gentleman came with 2 bags full of presents for the boys and myself. I cried for at least an hour, and now again, just thinking about it. The boxes could be empty and still have the same effect. I never told anyone in the ward I was struggling, and didn't complain. These gifts are a reminder that our Savior is watching over us, God cares about us and loves us. Just to know they were thinking of me and the boys means SO MUCH, words cannot describe it.

My sister and Mother have been a GREAT help, they will never know what they mean to me. Now that they're out of town, I'm definitely able to see exactly how much they've been helping me. Finding people to help out was difficult, for the graveyard shift and some day time hours. But loving people came through! I have and will be receiving help with the boys from: My brother and his wife (on top of their 4 children!), a couple from my old ward (Thank you, Hill Family), a few sisters in my current ward, including a nice sister that watched me and my siblings when I was a child! Thank you so much, everyone!!!

My mom placed a few Christmas decorations around the house over the past few weeks that brought the realization of the season into my home... then this evening, my dear friend, Pam, who was helping me with the boys, put beautiful christmas lights up in the living room and some crafty candy canes for our little $8 tree! Thank you, Pam, the boys love the lights.

It's so sad to be away from Matthew, luckily we'll have a delayed Christmas with him at the beginning of January.

This Christmas will be the most memorable of my life. Feeling so much love and support from friends, family and strangers than ever before!

Trial and Error

I'm learning so much lately. For a long time now, I believed I learned a lot as a teenager, and only a little as an adult. I thought that I was growing slowly and had to try HARD to get an actual "life experience" once in a while.

"Distance makes the heart go fonder."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"No pain, no gain."

None of those really meant much to me. Tonight I heard this one in a movie, "I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? With recipes telling us exactly what to do."

"...It's the recipes you create, yourself, that are the best."

Some people that have eaten meals created by my hand know that the good ones came from the freezer or a box! I have prepared some successful dishes from start to finish, but they were never perfect on the first try. I may have some successful moments as a mother, but I was nowhere near perfection in the beginning, nor am I now. Still, I learn what works and what doesn't by trial and error, just like my mystery casseroles or experimental pork chops.

I love the life I have been given, and I'm lucky to have been in it long enough to know which choices bring happiness and which ones bring on the "tough days." I also know what I want, the problem is knowing which ingredients will achieve those results. Being the youngest member of my family, I think I gained a lot simply by observing my parents and four older siblings. I learned how to deal with death, depression, practice and being good at sports and musical instruments, no practice and failing at sports and musical instruments... I learned how the gospel of Jesus Christ applied in some way in every aspect of my life can turn a hum drum appetizer into an irresistibly delicious entree. In these times, we have every life lesson and skill in books - we have billions of recipes in tons of cookbooks recorded over decades.

Sometimes I know we could avoid errors by following the recipe laid out for specific problems we face in our families or society in the scriptures or history books, but sometimes we choose to experiment instead.

I guess keeping a journal is like writing down the ingredients and the consequences you tasted afterwards.

Well, without dumping all my mistakes on everyone, just know I'm doing my best, I'm learning my recipes by guidance from the Master Chef and also by trial and error. I love all my friends and family, past and present, who help contribute to my concoctions.

Thank you