Shocked... that I'm not shocked.

I know I just wrote a post. But something happened today.

While driving, I turned a corner at a light, turned back to see what Patrick did to Stephen, turned back to the road and SLAMMED on the brakes -- too late. I rear-ended another car.

Normally, if I have an incident related to the car, I'm bawling and panicking. Today, I was sorry, of course, but extremely and unusually calm. The other driver was fine, I was fine - the airbags didn't deploy. Even when I saw there was a nice, 8" crack on the lower fender and a 2" puckered dent at the edge of the trunk, I was calm. I apologized a couple times, simply dug out the insurance information, called the police, then my husband - which normally, I'm VERY afraid to do when I've made a mistake.

I do believe everything happens for a reason.

I ran through my mind what I did wrong/right today... I went to both my jobs and worked hard, said a sincere and thankful prayer (just 1 hour before the accident), was kind to the kids, ordered modestly at Carl's Jr (we go there once in a while when it's freezing outside so the kids can play)... Then it dawned on me. Perhaps this accident showed me the rewards of trust and faith in the Lord. In the past, I realized I wasn't having TRUE faith by having fear of the unknown, because that wasn't trusting him. I decided to let go of the fear several months ago. My calmness today is an honest reward to show that just because we have great faith or we're doing things right, doesn't mean trials and minor or major downfalls will not happen. Still, I know that He is with me. Let's just hope this wasn't the quiz and the TEST is coming.

I'm taking this opportunity to testify that, through all my faults and imperfections... and family issues... I know Heavenly Father is watching us and protecting us. It's extremely comforting and I appreciate Him revealing to me that He can bring me inner peace in a not-so-peaceful situation. If you haven't tried letting go of all your fears, there's no better time than the present. He offered to carry our burdens, just give them to Him! It's the best insurance you can possibly get yourself.

Amy

Line upon line.

Some of you may or may not remember. When Patrick was 18 months old, on several occasions, when he got hurt or upset really fast, he turned blue from not breathing and passed out. The very first time it happened, I was home alone with him, I scolded him for something he did and placed him in time out for the first time. He didn't cry. His lips turned purple, then his face was flushed, then blue... he went limp in my arms. I thought he was dead. Laying him on the floor, I gently shook him, yelling his name through frightened tears, stroking his hair and cheeks. Thinking this was it and my baby, my precious only child, was gone. Just as I was going to give him CPR, his eyes opened and he quietly blinked and acted exhausted. Relieved, I treasured him more than ever.

***

It's been really hard for me in the past to trust Heavenly Father's timeline in regards to where I am in life. I always wanted answers to my prayers immediately and also a map drawn out for how long my trials will last and where I'll be at a certain time in the future... hmm, wouldn't that be nice?

So, I've accepted reality for what it is, to take my life day by day, trying to be the best person I can possibly be. I've also reminded myself to treasure the moments with my beautiful boys. I read the 4 Twilight books MOSTLY in time at my graveyard job, on breaks and when the boys were napping. Still, it did take some attention away from them, and I could see they didn't like it. My heart broke when I looked up from a book one evening to tell Patrick to not run around. He said, "when are you going to work, mommy?" So that was all it took. He's so straight-forward, even if he thinks he's saying something that makes sense and it really doesn't. But, I took that to heart and realized that my presence meant nothing when I was reading those books. After I was done, I decided to read books with them.

Tonight I got them kiddie cones for being good while I was at a Relief Society dinner. When we pulled up at the house, I decided to let them finish their ice cream while I read a book to them. They both watched and listened intently, and when I was done, Patrick said, "okay, mommy. Now read us scriptures, it's sitting on the seat." I always have a military sized Book of Mormon in the car or my purse. So, anyway, I was reading from the scriptures and stopped to explain a verse, then continued. They both, again, listened intently and didn't complain.

***

I underestimate them. I keep saying they will be my little Stripling Warriors. Today I found new resolve to do everything I can to be a mother to them as the Stripling Warriors' mothers were in the Book of Mormon. I'm canceling my home internet and cable service this month. We'll still have movies and basic TV, but my goal is to have more face-to-face time with them every day. They are so precious and they're growing so fast... I still can't get over Stephen's counting and singing, and Patrick's new-found maturity.

This post kind of hops around, but I'm going to take life one day at a time, being the best I can be, treasuring all aspects of my life while I have them, and taking what life dishes. Love you all!

2,000 Miles never seemed so far

I wanted to first elaborate on what Amy has already said about my jobs.

I work two jobs, one for HSBC Bank and the other for Nichols School. Contrary to ignorant Utah opinion (for some reason many Utahns have never heard of it), HSBC is in fact one of the World's largest and most well-known banks. In fact, if Citi had been allowed to fail, HSBC would have become the #1 Global Bank. As it is, HSBC is #3 in the USA behind Citi and Bank of America. Kind of odd how you can be #2 in the world and #3 in the USA, but it true. HSBC is also known for its financial soundness. Fortune Magazine recently stated that HSBC was one of the most well-funded banks on earth. HSBC bases this soundness in not having become involved in sub-prime mortgages and having more money in deposits than they have lent out. This second fact is in stark contrast to WaMu's recent failure where they were estimated to have loaned out $16 for every $1 on deposit.

Nichols School is a non-denominational prep school in Buffalo and boasts some ridiculous stats. The vast majority of the kids who graduate from the school go to the school of their choice, and most of the time, that choice is Ivy League. The school's most (currently) recognizable graduate is Christian Laettner who played Basketball at Nichols, Duke University, and in the NBA. I work at Dann Memorial Rink where I drive the zamboni and basically run the whole rink on my nights (Wed and Fri). Yes, it is fun to drive the zamboni.

Now to talk more in relation to the title of the post.

As anybody reading this blog knows, I am currently separated from my family by about 2,000 miles, 7 states, two time zones, and any other way the distance could be described. For me, it is a personal hell. I love my family so much and it makes me feel empty, incomplete, not whole, to not have them with me. Much to Amy's chagrin, I spend a decent amount of time watching movies or playing video games, but not for the reasons you would think. I don't do these things because I have tons of free time and nothing to do, or because I am lazy, but rather because they provide distraction from my sad reality. And they don't do that great of a job at it either.

What is especially depressing is what I am missing in my kids development. Patrick is talking more and more clearly, and is acting more mature. He is learning primary songs and how to share toys and be nice to other kids. Stephen is talking up a storm, and recently began counting (without even being taught by either parent). He also is learning to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the Alphabet Song and sometimes confuses the two since they use the same tune. While I get to hear some of these happenings over the phone, I don't witness the majority of them. Apparently, Stephen recently had an argument with his Mother in which he decided he wanted to wear underwear and not a diaper. As relayed to me it went something like, "Uh-wear!, Uh-wear!, No Duper! No Duper!" and then he ran (butt naked) and got underwear out of a drawer. I wish I could have seen that because I would have laughed so hard at how cute and funny that was.

I miss lots of things about Amy. One of them being how cute she looks when asleep, except when she snores. Sorry hun, its true, you snore on occasion. I also miss her making Biscuits and Gravy just for me (she isn't a big fan). Mostly I just miss having my best friend around to be with, talk to, joke with, play games with, etc. The day and a half I spent on a short trip to Utah was easily the bright spot in an otherwise black last 2 1/2 months.

I miss them so much, and constantly count the days till they will be with me again. As of this post, 21 days by plane or a few more by car.