This Holiday Season has been extremely strange and hard for me to enjoy. Not due to anybody, but I wanted Patrick to think Christmas was on the 6th of January... I didn't have money or time for presents for the kids, or anyone, for that matter. With unexpected bank & credit card issues, and other expenses, money's still tight, despite working two jobs.
Thanks to the efforts of my loving ward, this past Sunday morning, a gentleman came with 2 bags full of presents for the boys and myself. I cried for at least an hour, and now again, just thinking about it. The boxes could be empty and still have the same effect. I never told anyone in the ward I was struggling, and didn't complain. These gifts are a reminder that our Savior is watching over us, God cares about us and loves us. Just to know they were thinking of me and the boys means SO MUCH, words cannot describe it.
My sister and Mother have been a GREAT help, they will never know what they mean to me. Now that they're out of town, I'm definitely able to see exactly how much they've been helping me. Finding people to help out was difficult, for the graveyard shift and some day time hours. But loving people came through! I have and will be receiving help with the boys from: My brother and his wife (on top of their 4 children!), a couple from my old ward (Thank you, Hill Family), a few sisters in my current ward, including a nice sister that watched me and my siblings when I was a child! Thank you so much, everyone!!!
My mom placed a few Christmas decorations around the house over the past few weeks that brought the realization of the season into my home... then this evening, my dear friend, Pam, who was helping me with the boys, put beautiful christmas lights up in the living room and some crafty candy canes for our little $8 tree! Thank you, Pam, the boys love the lights.
It's so sad to be away from Matthew, luckily we'll have a delayed Christmas with him at the beginning of January.
This Christmas will be the most memorable of my life. Feeling so much love and support from friends, family and strangers than ever before!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Shocked... that I'm not shocked.
I know I just wrote a post. But something happened today.
While driving, I turned a corner at a light, turned back to see what Patrick did to Stephen, turned back to the road and SLAMMED on the brakes -- too late. I rear-ended another car.
Normally, if I have an incident related to the car, I'm bawling and panicking. Today, I was sorry, of course, but extremely and unusually calm. The other driver was fine, I was fine - the airbags didn't deploy. Even when I saw there was a nice, 8" crack on the lower fender and a 2" puckered dent at the edge of the trunk, I was calm. I apologized a couple times, simply dug out the insurance information, called the police, then my husband - which normally, I'm VERY afraid to do when I've made a mistake.
I do believe everything happens for a reason.
I ran through my mind what I did wrong/right today... I went to both my jobs and worked hard, said a sincere and thankful prayer (just 1 hour before the accident), was kind to the kids, ordered modestly at Carl's Jr (we go there once in a while when it's freezing outside so the kids can play)... Then it dawned on me. Perhaps this accident showed me the rewards of trust and faith in the Lord. In the past, I realized I wasn't having TRUE faith by having fear of the unknown, because that wasn't trusting him. I decided to let go of the fear several months ago. My calmness today is an honest reward to show that just because we have great faith or we're doing things right, doesn't mean trials and minor or major downfalls will not happen. Still, I know that He is with me. Let's just hope this wasn't the quiz and the TEST is coming.
I'm taking this opportunity to testify that, through all my faults and imperfections... and family issues... I know Heavenly Father is watching us and protecting us. It's extremely comforting and I appreciate Him revealing to me that He can bring me inner peace in a not-so-peaceful situation. If you haven't tried letting go of all your fears, there's no better time than the present. He offered to carry our burdens, just give them to Him! It's the best insurance you can possibly get yourself.
Amy
While driving, I turned a corner at a light, turned back to see what Patrick did to Stephen, turned back to the road and SLAMMED on the brakes -- too late. I rear-ended another car.
Normally, if I have an incident related to the car, I'm bawling and panicking. Today, I was sorry, of course, but extremely and unusually calm. The other driver was fine, I was fine - the airbags didn't deploy. Even when I saw there was a nice, 8" crack on the lower fender and a 2" puckered dent at the edge of the trunk, I was calm. I apologized a couple times, simply dug out the insurance information, called the police, then my husband - which normally, I'm VERY afraid to do when I've made a mistake.
I do believe everything happens for a reason.
I ran through my mind what I did wrong/right today... I went to both my jobs and worked hard, said a sincere and thankful prayer (just 1 hour before the accident), was kind to the kids, ordered modestly at Carl's Jr (we go there once in a while when it's freezing outside so the kids can play)... Then it dawned on me. Perhaps this accident showed me the rewards of trust and faith in the Lord. In the past, I realized I wasn't having TRUE faith by having fear of the unknown, because that wasn't trusting him. I decided to let go of the fear several months ago. My calmness today is an honest reward to show that just because we have great faith or we're doing things right, doesn't mean trials and minor or major downfalls will not happen. Still, I know that He is with me. Let's just hope this wasn't the quiz and the TEST is coming.
I'm taking this opportunity to testify that, through all my faults and imperfections... and family issues... I know Heavenly Father is watching us and protecting us. It's extremely comforting and I appreciate Him revealing to me that He can bring me inner peace in a not-so-peaceful situation. If you haven't tried letting go of all your fears, there's no better time than the present. He offered to carry our burdens, just give them to Him! It's the best insurance you can possibly get yourself.
Amy
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Line upon line.
Some of you may or may not remember. When Patrick was 18 months old, on several occasions, when he got hurt or upset really fast, he turned blue from not breathing and passed out. The very first time it happened, I was home alone with him, I scolded him for something he did and placed him in time out for the first time. He didn't cry. His lips turned purple, then his face was flushed, then blue... he went limp in my arms. I thought he was dead. Laying him on the floor, I gently shook him, yelling his name through frightened tears, stroking his hair and cheeks. Thinking this was it and my baby, my precious only child, was gone. Just as I was going to give him CPR, his eyes opened and he quietly blinked and acted exhausted. Relieved, I treasured him more than ever.
***
It's been really hard for me in the past to trust Heavenly Father's timeline in regards to where I am in life. I always wanted answers to my prayers immediately and also a map drawn out for how long my trials will last and where I'll be at a certain time in the future... hmm, wouldn't that be nice?
So, I've accepted reality for what it is, to take my life day by day, trying to be the best person I can possibly be. I've also reminded myself to treasure the moments with my beautiful boys. I read the 4 Twilight books MOSTLY in time at my graveyard job, on breaks and when the boys were napping. Still, it did take some attention away from them, and I could see they didn't like it. My heart broke when I looked up from a book one evening to tell Patrick to not run around. He said, "when are you going to work, mommy?" So that was all it took. He's so straight-forward, even if he thinks he's saying something that makes sense and it really doesn't. But, I took that to heart and realized that my presence meant nothing when I was reading those books. After I was done, I decided to read books with them.
Tonight I got them kiddie cones for being good while I was at a Relief Society dinner. When we pulled up at the house, I decided to let them finish their ice cream while I read a book to them. They both watched and listened intently, and when I was done, Patrick said, "okay, mommy. Now read us scriptures, it's sitting on the seat." I always have a military sized Book of Mormon in the car or my purse. So, anyway, I was reading from the scriptures and stopped to explain a verse, then continued. They both, again, listened intently and didn't complain.
***
I underestimate them. I keep saying they will be my little Stripling Warriors. Today I found new resolve to do everything I can to be a mother to them as the Stripling Warriors' mothers were in the Book of Mormon. I'm canceling my home internet and cable service this month. We'll still have movies and basic TV, but my goal is to have more face-to-face time with them every day. They are so precious and they're growing so fast... I still can't get over Stephen's counting and singing, and Patrick's new-found maturity.
This post kind of hops around, but I'm going to take life one day at a time, being the best I can be, treasuring all aspects of my life while I have them, and taking what life dishes. Love you all!
***
It's been really hard for me in the past to trust Heavenly Father's timeline in regards to where I am in life. I always wanted answers to my prayers immediately and also a map drawn out for how long my trials will last and where I'll be at a certain time in the future... hmm, wouldn't that be nice?
So, I've accepted reality for what it is, to take my life day by day, trying to be the best person I can possibly be. I've also reminded myself to treasure the moments with my beautiful boys. I read the 4 Twilight books MOSTLY in time at my graveyard job, on breaks and when the boys were napping. Still, it did take some attention away from them, and I could see they didn't like it. My heart broke when I looked up from a book one evening to tell Patrick to not run around. He said, "when are you going to work, mommy?" So that was all it took. He's so straight-forward, even if he thinks he's saying something that makes sense and it really doesn't. But, I took that to heart and realized that my presence meant nothing when I was reading those books. After I was done, I decided to read books with them.
Tonight I got them kiddie cones for being good while I was at a Relief Society dinner. When we pulled up at the house, I decided to let them finish their ice cream while I read a book to them. They both watched and listened intently, and when I was done, Patrick said, "okay, mommy. Now read us scriptures, it's sitting on the seat." I always have a military sized Book of Mormon in the car or my purse. So, anyway, I was reading from the scriptures and stopped to explain a verse, then continued. They both, again, listened intently and didn't complain.
***
I underestimate them. I keep saying they will be my little Stripling Warriors. Today I found new resolve to do everything I can to be a mother to them as the Stripling Warriors' mothers were in the Book of Mormon. I'm canceling my home internet and cable service this month. We'll still have movies and basic TV, but my goal is to have more face-to-face time with them every day. They are so precious and they're growing so fast... I still can't get over Stephen's counting and singing, and Patrick's new-found maturity.
This post kind of hops around, but I'm going to take life one day at a time, being the best I can be, treasuring all aspects of my life while I have them, and taking what life dishes. Love you all!
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